Monday, December 29, 2014

Lose 15 in 2015

Today marks 365 days of logging on myfitnesspal.

So why am I significantly heavier than I was in December 2012/January-April 2013?

I'm calling 2014 my year of misfires. I tried many, many, many things, and failed at almost every single one of them:

Dating, an experiment I went into with a side eye, and came out the other side the exact same.
Paleo (96%, anyway).
Not one, not two, but THREE rounds of the 21-day sugar detox diet.
Counting macros.
Following a meal plan set for me by my favorite City Surf instructor. I'm a dumb ass and don't know how long prepared meat lasts, so I food poisoned myself TWICE doing #mealplanning, most unfortunately on Thanksgiving Day.

I scared myself into losing 22 lbs from July 2011-December 2012, all for someone else's wedding.
I maintained that weight, give or take 5 lbs, and felt GREAT through May 2013.
Then, everything went to shit.

I started teaching classes, and as a result, let other workouts (namely, 2x/wk BODYPUMP) fall by the wayside. I felt invincible, and let go of my strict eating habits.

When I got on the scale in December of last year, I was shocked, angry, and plain and simple, fed up.

So, since 12/29/13, I've logged into myfitnesspal and for the most part, earnestly logged every single thing I ate and burned. It hasn't done a damn thing. I'm still shocked, angry, and plain and simple, fed up, and can't really put my finger on the cause of the weight gain.

I think it comes down to 1) not lifting weights regularly and 2) never being able to determine exactly how much, calorie-wise or otherwise, what to eat on a daily basis, and it's been a struggle my entire life.

I'm going back to basics and starting with a clean slate TODAY.

My goal is to lose 15 lbs in 2015. I figure, if I could scare myself into losing 22 lbs, I can get myself on board with a cute/motivational stupid phrase to do just the same thing 2-3 years later.

How am I going to do this?
1) MEAL PREPPING like a goddamn boss. I work better when I pack my meals and keep my fridge stocked with healthy things. I also work best when I pre log an entire day's worth of calories so I don't overdo it on dinner and dessert when I get home from teaching or taking a class.

2) Sticking to no more than 1,542 calories a day.
I went back through YEARS of food logs on LoseIt and Myfitnesspal, and that number seemed to do the trick for me back then, plus...

3) NO LESS than 2x/wk of BODYPUMP
It means swapping out a City Surf class here and there, but I can't neglect weight lifting any longer.
It's so much easier and more fun to lift weights to music and in a group setting than trying to figure my way through weights on the gym floor, intimidated by the many grunting bodybuilders in the gym. And, I have to believe that BODYPUMP was the main game changer in 2011-most of 2013, body-wise.

I don't mind keeping it real, so I will, which will help keep me accountable.
July 2011 starting weight: 158 lbs 

This is when I had JUST started on my journey, so I likely had club soda in hand. I used to go out EVERY single weekend. Now? I couldn't tell you the last time I went out, and it hasn't made a lick of difference, unfortunately.

I'm 5'7" and "big boned," and got that way by STARTING drinking alcohol at age 22, and indulging in post-drinking late-night eats, and wasting many hours on cardio machines, late at night. I never, ever drank in college because I was so afraid of the freshman 15, and knew I had addictive tendencies. I still managed to gain and lose the Freshman 15, and gained the post-college 15 as well. My life has been one fat rollercoaster.

Here's me on the left, pre-Freshman 15, the first weekend of college.
I THOUGHT I WAS FAT. I distinctly remember this day, constantly putting an arm over my stomach to conceal my fat, and thought I was the clear fat one in this group of friends, pictured here.
Little did I know...

December 31, 2012 weight: 136 lbs
Feeling FINE in 2009 (+3) at 136 lbs!!!

That's me in the middle-ish in the black, probably 140 lbs.
I didn't appear to have too much muscle, but damn, I thought I looked good.

Felt like a goddamn boss. This was right before RPM instructor training, so I was doing 2-3 workouts/day, and counting every single calorie, and my workout schedule looked like this:
F: 6A spin (+ an hour or more of RPM practice, leading up to training)
S: 9A RPM (+ an hour or more of RPM practice, leading up to training)
Su: 10A RPM (+ an hour or more of RPM practice, leading up to training)

April 27, 2013: 143 lbs and feeling FINE in the goal dress with my BFF bride

December 31, 2013 weight: 148 lbs

Most of 2014: Varied between 147-156 lbs
I definitely gained some muscle this year, starting in April (when I joined City Surf and started going 5x/wk on top of my existing weekly workout schedule), but the weight gain is NOT "all muscle," as lots of people like to tell me when I freak out about the gain.

Last weigh-in on 12/8/14: 153.9 lbs


I don't like how I look.
I don't like how things are fitting.
It's not all about the numbers, but it's mostly about the numbers, for me.

It's sad, really. I was talking to my mom this past week in NYC about my goals and how unhappy I am with my weight, and how *disgusted* she looked when I gave her the breakdown of the numbers, especially my current weight.

Apparently, my happiness has everything to do with the number on the scale (and how I look). I know I'm not alone in this, and wish it weren't so, but I'm trying my darnedest to get my happy back in 2015.

I come from a family with a lonnnnnng line of eating disorders and obsessions with food, and fat, and not gaining weight, and ALWAYS always ALWAYS talking about food, fat, and not gaining weight. My mom is the "fat" sister of three girls, and she's 5'1", 105 lbs. FAT, right? She complains to me about gaining anywhere from 0.5 lbs to 3 lbs, and it's usually just bloat that disappears after a few days.

If I weighed 105 lbs, I would be dead. DEAD. I don't know the last time I saw numbers that low, and I'm not saying that's where I want to be, but always hearing fat talk and from people who are anything but has been hard.

I binge ate like a motherfucker over the last week, and I think I got all of the sweets and cravings out of my system.

I'm nearing 30, and that scares me for many, many reasons. Gone are the days of eating with abandon and never having to work out.

And seeing the magical "Nutcracker" at Lincoln Center probably didn't help my #fatfeelings much either. I definitely googled "Ballerina Diet" the next day...SIGH.

I haven't gotten near the scale since 12/8, and don't intend to weigh myself until...March 8, just before my birthday on March 11.

GOAL WEIGHT for December 31, 2015: 138 lbs, or somewhere in the low 140s.

I hate being in the 150s, and hate feeling like a "fat" fitness instructor.
I've done this before, and I can sure as shit do it again.

Here's to some serious weight loss and toning, and healthy habits and mindsets in 2015 and forever.

A more-determined-than-ever Stel

1 comment:

  1. Just so you know, I had NO idea you wanted to lose weight... I always thought you looked great! But I definitely understand that clothes can cover up an extra 5-20 pounds, so maybe that's where it is.

    Congrats on 365 consecutive days on MFP! I always see your streak and it motivates me to keep logging. Just make sure you don't get obsessive (I totally did that a few years ago), but it sounds like you're watching out for that and won't let it happen. Good luck!